Parenting Tweets That Are Too Relatable

Sure, you can find plenty of parenting advice both online and in a myriad of books written on the topic. But if you’re expecting a child and want the real lowdown on parenting, look no further than these hilarious parenting tweets. Here you’ll meet moms and dads shatter pleasant assumptions about parenting and give you the lowdown on what it’s actually like. If you’re looking for advice on what to actually expect when you’re expecting, read on.

Prepare to Be Updated — Constantly

Cast aside all fears of your child failing to open up to you upon learning to speak. As a rule, children never allow a single thought to pass through their minds without first relaying it verbally to their parents.

Because few thoughts last long before being replaced by new ones, your child will likely follow the time-honored approach of children everywhere. By providing you with a constant verbal stream of consciousness, no matter how inappropriate the circumstances, they’ll make certain you don’t miss a thing.

While those of you without children may look upon this woman’s confession with judgment, know that the day will come when you look upon her as a sister in arms. After all, chocolate can be replaced, but a moment of shameless self-indulgence is priceless.

The Joys of Kid Creativity

One of the joys of childrearing is watching your children’s creativity flourish. This is particularly true when they uncover strange new items that they don’t understand the purpose of. Rather than step in and attempt to explain the science behind your feminine hygiene products to your three-year-old, sit back and wait for the fun to begin.

Rather than waste money on a movie ticket, you can watch as they transform your maxi pads into everything from stick-on backpacks to stickers. Make sure to get the whole thing on film so that they too can enjoy the fun when they’re older.

How to Approach Programming

A word about television programming: If your child is yet to arrive or is still in the infant stage, it may be wise to go ahead and start perusing children’s programs. By educating yourself beforehand on which shows you can bear and which make you want to tear your hair out, you’ll place yourself at a distinct advantage later on.

It’s also true that some children’s shows can be surprisingly captivating, as this Twitter user shows. While there probably aren’t many adult Barney fans out there, shows like Adventure Time are a whole different story. They almost make up for having to sit through the Teletubbies song.

World’s Best Workout

If you’re already shopping around for gyms to help you burn those extra pounds when your baby arrives, you might wanna hold that thought. Many first-time parents are completely unaware that by conceiving a child, they’ve already enrolled in a post-birth CrossFit program.

Rest assured, you’ll enjoy plenty of lifting, running and scrambling well into your child’s toddler years. The thrill of being summoned from your bed at odd hours will save you the cost of that Navy SEALs workout course by providing just as many grueling physical challenges for free.

Parenting Paradox

On the one hand, children’s shoes have a magical way of disappearing to wherever it is that socks and ink pens go as well. On the other hand, if you play it safe and buy two pairs of them, your child will inevitably decide that they hate both pairs within 24 hours.

What to do? Wing it, do your best, and make sure you have a hidden stash of chocolate on hand. Or, you know, just figure out where your child’s stash is instead. Either way, when you’re a parent, even the simplest of tasks can become major challenges.

Kid Logic

As your child’s language abilities expand, you’ll finally get to learn what they’re thinking about, and hoo boy, can it be a time. There are lots of reasons why parenting is more difficult than it seems, but a big one is that kids just don’t think the same way as adults. Still, it can be funny when it’s not frustrating.

Though you’re not expected to employ kid logic yourself, learning it will help you anticipate and defend against your child’s best arguments. It’s best to be prepared when they announce that they’ll no longer be bathing due to the fact that they’ll only get dirty again tomorrow anyway.

The Big Museum in the Sky

Kids everywhere have an interest in arts and crafts, and whenever they complete a project, they’re sure to share it with pride to an adult in their lives. Given that they all tend to be budding abstract artists, there’s no telling what form their next piece might take.

It never gets easier quietly disposing of your child’s masterpieces, but at the end of the day, there’s just not enough space on the refrigerator or in your kid’s memory box for all of them. Just hope you never have to experience this Twitter user’s worst nightmare.

Never Discount Immune Boosters

So many people go into parenthood unaware of how often they’re about to get, No matter how hygenic you are, your kids won’t share your sense of cleanliness, and that comes back to haunt you in an endless series of colds and other maladies.

As both parents and teachers everywhere can attest, children are walking petri dishes. If there’s something going around, they’ll bring it home and propel it through the air via sneeze right as you lean it for a goodnight kiss.

Fair Is Fair

Ah yes, the adventures of the multi-kid mom. If you plan to have more than one child, then you might as well start perfecting the art of perfectly dividing things. As much as they may complain about their math homework, all children are experts when it comes to weighing the equality of two or more objects.

Think those two slices of cake are identical? Better go ahead and put them on a tiny kitchen scale just to be sure. The slightest imbalance will be detected immediately and trigger a wail of alarm from the nearest sibling.

Pregnancy Perks

It’s ironic that pregnancy demands total abstinence from alcohol considering the vast number of pregnancies that booze is directly to blame for. Nevertheless, if you’re going to make it through nine months of lugging another human being around in your midsection, it’s important to find other methods of entertainment.

Never discount the power of “pregnancy perks.” Not only will your partner suddenly transform into your personal assistant, but society at large accepts and encourages your use of the pregnancy card for all manner of indulgences. Toss those Spanx and say bye-bye to lifting pretty much anything.

This Law of Nature

Every parent has a story of some excursion they tried to take their kids on to show them a good time that ended in disaster. Whether it’s the local ice cream shop or Disney World, spending money is no guarantee that they won’t find ways to make themselves miserable.

This can take the form of everything from temper tantrums to sibling fights to simply being bored by whatever attraction you painstakingly — and expensively — hoped for them to enjoy. If it’s any consolation, a lot of free moments ended up being the best of all.

Kid’s Best Friend

Kids and dogs are the perfect partners in crime. They’re both always trying to reach the treasures stashed out of reach on the counter, they seem to share a deep love of rolling in mud and each will happily destroy a room if left unattended for too long.

Of course, your kid has an intelligence advantage over your dog, so it’s often Fido who gets the short end of the stick (no pun intended). If you own a dog and your child doesn’t blame something they’ve done on the family pet at some point, you’re in the minority.

Stupid Airline Restrictions

The only thing as terrible as being stuck on a plane next to a crying baby is being a considerate parent and realizing you’re stuck subjecting everyone else to your crying baby. It’s a mortifying experience. Unfortunately, it’s not always an avoidable one.

Sometimes, you have to travel and have no choice but to take your baby with you, while other times, your child reverts to their terrible twos after years of good behavior. When it happens, the embarrassment and guilt can enough to make anyone imagine temporarily disowning their kid.

Good News and Bad

As demonstrated above, children consider themselves experts in the art of DIY improvising. If they should tell you of their plans to use crayons to turn your kitchen walls into the Sistine Chapel, consider yourself lucky.

Among the most important skills available to a parent when they have warning of an impending disaster is the skillful redirect. Rather than threaten the full extent of your wrath if crayon meets wall, prop up a huge cardboard box and let them knock themselves out.

Mommy’s Little Helper

If you’re a parent, you know what this post is about. You finally have a moment of time for yourself, and thinking the kids are distracted, you decide to treat yourself to something nice. That’s when it starts.

You may be able to distract your kid or offer them something else. You may be able to remind them that they need to respect when other people are eating. But at some point, you will be too exhausted to protest, and half of your chocolate bar, sandwich, or whatever will be theirs. Bonus points if they end up spitting it out afterward.

Mom Points

Kids say the darndest things and ask the most bizarre questions, yet it’s your job, at least initially, to humor them — even when those questions ignore the obvious or even insult you. Unfortunately, it’s just part of the job.

So when the day comes that your child suddenly feels an intense need to know where babies come from or why the sky is blue, don’t feel like a horrible parent if you find yourself improvising. Some questions are best left unanswered until they’re older.

Generation iPad

Having a kid is the next best thing to hiring a personal computer expert. Sometimes it seems like infants come out of the womb knowing how to operate an iPad better than their parents do.

That said, don’t be alarmed if they occasionally mistake everyday objects for screens. Parents of the past used to explain words or colors to their kids while flipping through magazines. Modern parents are more likely to have to explain to their kids why they can’t zoom in on the pages.

Pretty Much Sums It Up

There are many things you’ll be forced to give up when you become a new parent. In exchange for parental pride and your child’s or children’s love, you must set aside the expectation of privacy or any hope of maintaining a clean floor for any length of time.

From toys to food to toilet paper, children have a preternatural ability to dirty a space in any amount of time. Stare into the eyes of a friend who was previously a neat freak and now has kids, and you’ll see the true face of despair.

Stick to the Question

Children don’t really understand the concept of thinking before they speak. In fact, it’s not always clear if they’d know how to be tactful even if they did think first. The ability of children to land savage burns without a thought is something fundamental to their nature.

Want reassurance that that dress or suit doesn’t make you look fat? Don’t attempt to get it by announcing how fat you feel and expecting your kid to try to prove you wrong. Out of the mouth of babes, indeed.

Get It Together, Infants

Oh, to be an infant. A baby is basically one big ego whose every whim is not only catered to but even anticipated by everyone around them. During the first few months or so of your child’s life, you might as well just think of yourself as a full-time servant.

Remind yourself as many times a day as needed that the day will come when the tables finally turn. Infants seem to know that they will someday be forced to obey you, so let them enjoy their glory while they can.

Patience Is a Virtue

There are many things that kids are known for, but patience isn’t one of them. You may soon discover that every video you ever take of your child ends with them asking to see it, or even before you start.

There’s a reason why many parents are such big fans of the secret photoshoot. It can be rude and invasive when they’re older to shoot without their permission, but when they’re too young to understand or care, stealthy picture-taking can get you the perfect shots you need for your mantle.

Other People’s Kids

Everyone loves their own kids well enough, but there’s nothing worse than having to deal with the strange demands of other people’s children. To be fair, it’s not their fault they were raised to think duck eggs or whatever are normal parts of life, but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

Consider that your family probably also has its fair share of unusual norms. Maybe thinking about what other parents have to deal with when your kid is with them will teach you to be more tolerant, or maybe it will just give you the satisfaction of realizing they’ll get to put up with your kid at the sleepover. Whatever works.

This Fairy Tale Easter Egg

We all loved fairy tales as kids, but now that the time has come to tell them to your own kids, you’ll doubtless find yourself seeing them from a whole new perspective. As this Twitter user pointed out, the plight of Mama Bear seems to have been a universal truth as old as time itself.

The more tales you tell, the more fun Easter eggs you’ll discover. Take Cinderella’s fairy godmother, for instance. You do everything to make your kid’s night awesome, and what thanks do you get? A lost shoe, that’s what.

Chore Time

If you’re currently raising an infant, then you may be anxiously looking forward to the days when your child is old enough to help with chores. Not so fast. Be aware that before that blissful day arrives, you’ll be expected to teach the most grueling on-the-job training course ever — that is, grueling for you.

As parents everywhere have discovered the hard way, asking a kid to help with chores for the first time is more like offering to explain how to do the chore and then redo it again later. Make sure you have plenty of time before launching such an endeavor.

Public Enemy Number One

When entering the realm of parenthood, you’ll automatically be enlisted into a fight against a number of shadowy enemies. Though they’ve managed to fly under the radar of society at large, they seem to have waged an epic war against parents of young children.

Among them are the person who engineered Lego bricks to attack feet late at night and those responsible for any number of toys whose main allure is excessive noise. How to defeat them, no one knows. Yet fight on, you must.

#ParentingHacks

As noted before, young children love nothing better than swooping down on your meal during a brief respite, but the danger doesn’t end there. Oh no. While they may be able to entertain themselves better as they get older, they also become even more proficient in rooting out the snacks you save for yourself.

As any parent knows, older children aren’t as easily thrown off the scent when it comes to food, and before long, they become teenagers. At that point, they’ll even eat your food when you’re not in the room — especially then, even.

Your Own Walking Announcer

Complete loss of privacy is another part of parenthood that takes many new parents by surprise. No matter what you’re doing, your child will probably be standing by, ready to give a play-by-play breakdown to anyone within earshot.

Ultimately, you’ll learn that it’s just as important for you to use the bathroom before venturing into public as it is for your kid. While in a store, it’s also wise to avoid purchasing anything with your kids in tow that you don’t want them asking you to explain in the loudest voice possible.

Parent Privileges

While we’d all like to think of ourselves as the world’s best role models, reality often kicks such notions to the curb. Don’t be alarmed if you find yourself forbidding your children to engage in activities that you yourself still relish in the shadows.

While everyone strives to do their best, sometimes the best that you can do is to fuel yourself with a few extra cupcakes out of your children’s line of vision. If guilt should strike, just take a moment to reflect on the horrors of changing diapers and then proceed with the knowledge that you’ve earned it.

Give Yourself a Break

Among the most important lessons that you’ll learn as a new parent is to give yourself a break. If you feel like you’re the only person in the world who didn’t get the guidebook, then welcome to the club. Despite the perception of kids all over the world, parenting is pretty much guesswork.

Winona Ryder made her comeback through Stranger Things by playing a mom who lost her kid to a crazy interdimensional monster and had to resort to parenting via Christmas lights. The ratings of the show prove that parents everywhere understand that sometimes, stuff just happens.